Love and Life letter to 2019
Aha, here we are again, closing out another year with one another. My first ever blogpost was my goodbye to 2018, and now my last blogpost of 2019 is chucking up the deuces once again to not only an old year but an entire decade! Whew... in 2009 I was thirteen years old, Obama had been elected as POTUS, I was finishing out my eighth grade year. I don’t necessarily remember how I thought or felt but I assume that’s because I was just existing... I wasn’t the “happiest” teenager, I also wasn’t terribly sad and depressed (yet 🙃). I enjoyed school, I loved school. I had friends, I was pretty damn cool. I honestly believe life, for me, had truly began at the start of this last decade. Life, as in recognizing my emotions, experiencing heartbreaks for the first time, understanding healing processes, vocalizing my controversial opinions, creating the space to make decisions on my own, demanding my respect and freedom, being broke forreal (forreal)... just, LIFE. This decade was the first phase of my awakening. I’m twenty-three years young, however, mentally/spiritually/emotionally I am about 20-30 years beyond that. THAT’S what the last TWO years have done for me, let alone the last ten!
and I resented that.
For a long time I resented this decade for doing me as dirty as it did, lbs. Like, why’d I have to meet my first boyfriend and experience my first heartbreak at fourteen? Why’d I have to be sent to the most depressing highschool in the city of Chicago? Why’d my relationship with my parents have to become so hard to navigate so soon? Why’d I have to lose so many friends in college? Why’d I have to endure an emotionally abusive relationship and why’d it have to last for so long?! Why’d i have to suffer from anxiety and depression? Why’d I have to go to counseling and therapy? Why did school have to take such a strain on my health? Why is post-college life such a drag? Why is my booty still not big...
I’m thankful for this decade. I learned. I grew up. I’m still learning. I’m still growing up. I have a calling that requires me to pour into anyone I cross paths with and I needed training. I needed references. I needed credibility in this thing called life. I needed practice. I needed all of that. I needed to lose my peace and sanity to understand how badly I never want to lose those things again. So, I’m satisfied. I’m a big girl now. I have say-so now. I have power now. I have courage now. I have acceptance now. I’ve cracked the code. I’ve allowed myself to take ownership of my decade without embarrassment.
& my decade hurt like sh*t but it kept me...
it kept me on my toes.
it kept me in my feelings.
it kept me in my bag.
it kept me to myself.
it kept me out of the way.
it kept me in my business.
it kept me alert.
it kept me around even when I felt like it was taking me out, lol.
So, thank you, 2019. It’s still hard. It’s still very hard but I’m well prepared. I’m still journeying.
so thank you for this journey, no matter how it ends.